A night with no dinner

20 08 2011

Im restless and happy 🙂

I made it without throwing junk into myself…. All I had to do was squirm and resist and feel weirdly unsatiated… But Im sure it’ll be all worth it when I fucking shed it.

I was supposed to have a protein shake but I had 2 apples and a bottle of water instead. No energy left to make the shake, plus I dont feel like having  chilled milk shake when Im already down with fever. I danced for a while today. Felt awesome.

Tom’s Target- Morning Metabolism boost by waking up one hour in advance and hopefully taking a bath after ages… brrrr it’s cold. I should crash now and try to sleep.

I love you fatgirl – you’re finally respecting your body over your whimsical cravings.

To not giving up !!

19 08 2011

there is something inside me that goes very restless everytime I come close to giving up.

all my friends have already told me – give up, wt loss – you wont ever be able to do it !!

All I need some discipline and taking it one day at a time. sounds so easy sigh.

anyway I have decided not to give up and I’m going to break floors, doors and chairs I dont care at least in an attempt to reduce my flab.

Baaki jo bhi ho so ho 🙂

fat and unwell

18 08 2011

so fat girl is unwell – cough and cold and fever. Whenever Im really pumped up about starting a new exercise regimen – something or the other gets in the way.

Im so bloody confused about everything. I want to live on chocolates and have a fab body – sigh !! What the heart wants is always so fucking unpractical !!

Im homesick, tired, lost, dazed and weak…

So disappointed in you Fat Girl

13 07 2011

I dont know what happens to me sometimes. When I sense that I’m going down a self-destructive path I keep going anyway. Maybe its one of those inertia of lethargy principles !

Its just my head gets so heavy, my mind turns to lead and my taste buds give orders which my body cannot refuse to follow. So there go the fingers dialling the nos. of fast food joints and before I know it, I’m base camp for 3 burgers and 2 rolls , all loaded with mayonnaise !! Thank god I don’t like the taste of processed cheese.

Anyway I have a sinking feeling I’m gonna be fat forever. Need to join a gym asap I guess. Just started a new job a few kilometers outside the city, commuting is a bitch. I guess I should find a new place first and then worry about the gym part. But I don’t want to waste anymore time being all brain-dead and lethargic and hungry for tasty oily junk food !! Baah !! Im so so disappointed in myself.

Woah, woah one day at a time girl breathe !! Just breathe. haaaah. Ohkay so Maybe I can dance a little tonight. I love doing that anyway. Plus my writing and other work is getting  all fucked up coz of this inherent lethargy. Damn !!

Today I’m not going to eat anything solid past 8 pm. I will try to sleep by 2 am. Aah who am I kidding. I wanna eat junk so bad after 11 pm. Damn !! Damn. I didnt feel gr8 after eating all those burgers and those rolls, I did feel overstuffed and nauseous but I dont know how else to satisfy my cravings. At least I did my laundry today. One step closer to being slightly functional !! Yay. Just want to get rid of my tummy so bad.

Revelations and finally something to be proud of – Go FatGirl \m/

8 07 2011

Okay so I was just discussing my diet plan with a lady who has managed to lose around12-15 kgs in 3 months and also got rid of her BP, hypertension and joint pain problems…anyway she’s kind of a big shot and well she told me something about my food habits that I’d never had guessed – she told me I wasnt eating enough carbs lolzzzzzzzz

No rice, no potatoes, no chapati (Indian version of Bread), no Bread lol 😀

She was like you need carbs to boost your metabolism girl, thats why its slow and not picking up pace because you’re not giving it enough carbs lol 😀 So I’ve actually been told to include bread in my diet. Well brown bread !!

But OMG you know what this means I can make French Toast on weekends yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂

So moving on, that solves the msytery of the not budging scale. Tomorrow Im going for my 2nd weigh-in tomorrow, Im not expecting much, maybe even a kg or half more compared to last time. I totally fucked up my food regime. I hate it when ppl call it diet plan. Lolzzz !!! Gives me mental visuals of starvation and torture !!

Anyway another thing happened today – I went for a walk and danced 🙂 1.45 am to 3 am !!! haa haaa….. Im so proud of myself. 30 minute light walk and then half an hour of dance. Of course I took a 15 minute break in between, but I also climbed like  five flights of stairs and got completely breathless by the time I hit 4th Floor.

Im really proud of myself today, cant believe I solved my insomnia and weight problem with one solution. Now im so fucking tired I just wanna drop dead on the bed. On normal non-such days I have to patiently wait to fall asleep and often its 6 am by the time I finally hit snooze pillow.

But something that always happens has happened again, whenever I try to start a serious exercise plan something gets in the way – all the time. One time me and my friend went for a morning jog/walk after ages, we saw a rainbow and decided it was a sign for us to continue walking/jogging everyday and finally achieve our longstanding dream of actual weight loss. But in wintry days it started raining the way it rains in monsoons – non-stop rains for the next 6 days. So of course our plan got dropped. We tried again once or twice but didnt work out for some reason or the other. I went to enrol in a gym with her and well they couldnt make my ID card for around a week. By then I had lost the tiny amount of momentum/intention I had.

I moved out of my house and wanted to join a gym in the new city, of course I had no job so had no money to pay for it so I decided till I got one. I couldn’t even afford a room then so I was just crashing in the living hall and of course had it all to myself so for like a week or so I danced every night, the inspiration was this trance party I attended and danced all night. Woohoo \m/ But there was this yummy Chinese restaurant (Of course the restaurant wasn’t yummy, you know what I mean) in the back lane and well I couldn’t resist it much. By the time I got a job with which I could pay for a gym had to shift my room coz of my bitch roomies and well the new place was a sharing so now I have a room but im not the only occupant of a vast hall and living with pigeon poop all around me. 😛 Thank gawd.

So well I had to stop the dancing in my room whenever I was in the mood and had to again look for a gym nearby. By now I had quit 2 jobs deciding to be a full-time writer and business woman rather than doing corporate slavery. So well asked my brother to put in some cash for my gym fee, of course the day I was going to join I got my period and had to wait another 5-6 days. Then I didnt get paid my salary that was due to me coz of my bitch boss and the highly unprofessional organisation that I was working with briefly, so I was kinda broke and  it turns out I needed some investment for my business and I had to put my bro’s money there for survival and for the sake of my calling. So today when I finally climbed those stairs, did those 2 am walk rounds in the concrete parking lot and managed to squeeze in some dancing time too on the mat – well I AM FUCKING PROUD OF MYSELF !! m/

woah its been a long day.

New Mantra- now at night whenever I feel like ordering some junk/crap I will simply go for a walk downstairs to the parking lot. I woke up the poor sleeping guards lol 😀 Ohh but I forgot to tell you what’s going to go wrong this time – well my best friend is getting engaged in like 15 days !! Yes. He is visiting town for 4 days and man whenever we are together we like gorge endlessly and eat till we burst at all you can eat buffets for 250 bucks. True story – it used to be our fav restaurant, it got shut. 😦

sigh so well I dont know if I will be able to do my after midnight exercises and manage to keep eating healthy. sigh. anyway  whats the point of worrying about it. Its not as bad as finding new white spots on my butt and near my vagina and feeling really ugly and gross all over again. I hate it, its spreading !! FUCK.

anyway all I have to keep in mind is this – ‘ACTION KILLS DEPRESSION’ and that after 9 pm I must not eat solid food. Thank goodness I love milk. Yawn too damn tired….. ciao.

Goals and stuff – YUCK !! (Grits Teeth)

6 07 2011

Okay now I have to officially declare my goals otherwise nothing is gonna happen !!

Current weight- 77.5 kgs. Height- 5′ 4.5″
and Im gonna leave out the other statistics for now !! Fucking embarrassing. Obviously.

Target Weight
On or before 30th July – (The initial bit is hard so I’m keeping it kinda low) – 74 kgs
On or before 31st August – (Its my 1st attempt so it isn’t gonna be easy ) – 70 kgs
On or before 25th September (Yes coz I gotta attend a party Sept end) – 65 kgs

I think these are achievable realistic goals. I have to do this. I’m not giving up !!!
Fuck you fatty genes and fuck you all junk food makers and propagators of this world !!
Here I come \m/

(Evil chuckle)

Power of creative visualization

6 07 2011

Try as I might I can never see myself or imagine myself as a petite, slim, fit girl with a body to die for !!

Of course that’s what I want but cant admit it to myself because well yes it not only seems impossible but the fact is that I was never slim, I have been a chubby kid for as long as I can remember.

So I was just browsing the net as usual for inspirational stories and well Bollywood has so many of them. It turns out B-town doesn’t give access to fat,unfit rotund kind of people.

So I made a small list of the chicks who had to shed some flab to get hot and turn into a sizzler served on the silver screen 😉

sonakshi sinha- 30 kgs lost
zareen khan - 43 kgs
kareena kapoor - size xx to size zero. Lost around 20 kgs. (68-48kgs)
sameera reddy - around 25-30 kgs I guess. She used to look like a complete behenji/desi aunty earlier.
sonam kapoor- 35 kgs (and frankly she wasnt even that fat but she got so bful and sexy after losing the weight. 
Thanks for letting the world see her awesome smile Bhansali \m/)
All I have to do is lose 17 kgs !
Not 20, not 30 just 17 !!!!
Of course magic no. 17 is not only hard for someone with my genes but also impossible for someone with my habits. 
Sigh nature and nurture both seem to have abandoned me in the most crucial aspect. :P
So all I have to do is imagine that a Bollywood director has cast me in a movie and 
now in order to sizzle up the silver screen I have to well look sizzling enough. 
So I have to lose weight- I dont know if this mental imagination would help me in the future
 but it sure helped me progress a little further on the creative visualization road.
I can almost imagine my face looking all shiny and sparkly with glossy hairstyles and glam-doll make up. 
But well I still cannot visualise my body. It would so help if I could even for a second imagine myself that way.
Maybe its because I hardly look at myself in the mirror properly, well I hate looking at myself I cannot help it. 
Im fucking FUGLY - fat and ugly.
Well the ugly part I cannot help - cant have lovely tresses and flawless skin
 but what I can have is maybe a sizzling figure !! Damn that would so turn my world around and rock it harder than anybody ever could 
except for Johnny Depp of course, who has already rocked it way way harder than can be imagined.
He has shown me sun rays on days of wintry gloom, he has been my imaginary friend, walking beside me on days of doom.

I just love him and I want to get slim and supersexy so that when I meet him and ask him out, he wont be able to turn me down !! ;)
Too much wishful thinking for day, I guess I'll stop now. :)

You mean the world to me-I love you 🙂

The war has begun

6 07 2011

Seriously this feels like war. I am at war with every food craving instinct of mine. I had a yummy vanilla protein shake for dinner, followed by a glass of lemon mint juice. I am still hungry, its 1 am and I know Im not supposed to eat at night. So Im trying to implement something of the Barney Stintson wisdom sort – “When I get sad, I just stop being sad and be awesome instead.” Lol cheesy as hell I know but well I need humor around me if I have to keep myself from going completely bonkers. I just saw this ad for strawberry cream from Bologna – the food destination of Italy and of course my mouth is watering, so what do I do I log into my wordpress account and start bloggin instead. But that’s not the saying Im using, it’s this- “When I feel hungry after 10 pm, I stop being hungry and start an activity instead.”

So I’m trying to follow this rule. I went for an evening walk, it was refreshing. I wish my butt was a lot less smaller than it is. Sigh. Anyway so well I feel like ‘Im training for the olympics’ like Katy Perry says while she is trying to get fitter and healthier for her upcoming world tour. I just dont know how to handle cravings, well they’re gone now. Wow I didn’t know it was just a fifteen minute phenomenon. 😀

The war has now begun, less cribbing, more walking and of course the golden Stintson mantra – “when I feel hungry past midnight, I just stop being hungry and do some activity instead.”

Awesome 🙂 \m/ Im so proud of myself today.

My lunch 🙂

Just read about Zarine Khan’s weight loss story – completely freaked me out !!

5 07 2011

remember that girl in veer – tu hi to meri dost hai. yuck salman khan movie !! Zarine khan weighed 100 kgs before she joined movies. she is now 57 kgs and looks fabulous. shes in the video character dheela hai even though she cant dance she does look pretty hot . n acc to me looks way better than katrina who looks like a plastic doll. zarine looks kinda natural. anyway so i was reading her story online and Im completely freaked out, the girl cant eat desserts or sweetmeats. n most diet programs oops eating right programs i read on the net well ask me to reduce my coffee. frankly have you tasted green/herbal tea – sucks so bad. I just drink it because I have to, plus it lowers cholesterol so its definitely healthy. Johnny Depp was on a pineapples and green tea diet for his upcoming movie dark shadows in which hes gonna play the role of a vampire. wow its gonna be the sexiest vampire movie ever !! Thank you Bram Stoker for starting it all. \m/
So im trying to eat right and its almost been a month since Ive been having protein shakes and milk shakes alongwith very heavy ice-cream shakes too. I have no self control when it comes to food. today my dinner was fried rice and chicken chill – so yummy but I feel queasy after a heavy meal. my appetite has definitely gone down. But its like I want to lose 17 kgs by September end. So all I have is a little bit of July, an entire august and then again 3 weeks of september. To lose this much weight at this speed seems really impossible. I mean my weight hasn’t budged at all for the past one year well apart from moving up a kilo or two. I don’t go shopping anymore – Ive begun to hate trying on new clothes. I hate my pictures. I have hidden almost all of my pictures that I had shared on my social networks. Im just so shameless when it comes to eating. Will I ever be beautiful – i dont think so. The kind of skin condition I have also makes me worry sometimes. (its called vitiligo – horrible looking white patches that corrode all sense of self-esteem and beauty from within you.) anyway only if i could lose some weight maybe I can show off my body at least !!
sigh… I think I need to eat something good now I guess. I feel bad being me, looking like me and its not easy.

Long time no see- Still fat

5 07 2011

Well its been almost a year I guess, long time no see huh !

Im still fat – so fat you cant imagine I’m in obesity Grade 2- at high risk for diabetes and heart diseases and all that.

My weight is – 77.5 kgs !!!!  as of JULY 5 2011 I AM A FATTY !!!

wtf if I cant reduce at least badhna to nahi chahiye but I cant help it I guess. Food is my only true love !! sigh.